sometimes it's just so hard to tell yourself to press on and leave those memories behind. you don't want the torture of remembering but the more you tell yourself you're not going to think about it, the more your brain floods your mind with it. the best way is to distract yourself from those times... and try to look forward to a better outcome and a better tomorrow.

we've all made decisions we regret. and it's been irritating me for a long time that i've let myself be manipulated by what my heart has been telling me. there have been days when i've been so emotional that only a good heartfelt cry has made me feel better. even the littlest thing can set me off. and then it started to make sense. that stress, pressure, been placing too much on myself. i mean, just chill. stuff like studying, doing homework, even if i've yet to start doing, why worry so much about it when the worrying's yet due? it's hard to express it because i don't want to sound like i'm slacking off (even more) or that it carries any less of an importance to me. it's just the idea of not worrying so much that's making me feel better.

sounds a bit like what will be, will be.

take time to live.

[edit] oh my god. i so don't want to get started on that source based question. get thee away from me.

gah! can you (refering to myself as i love talking in third person) just stop thinking about it and getting all happy or moody. stop screwing with your emotions, you sicko! must be a lust for pain. nah, somehow that seems a tad too extreme but you know what i mean!

been lazing around again. what's new? haha. can't really remember what's been happening this week though... ah! air con spoil. and in this humid weather too... great timing i say. and the best part was that it was serviced about 2 weeks ago. so only the main one in the living room can work, the bedroom ones are basically out of commission. having found out about the lack of aircon in such humid weather, i grabbed my pillow and blanket and scrambled for the counch in the living room. i gave the jusification for me getting the counch and therefore the aircon as "have to wake up anyway to watch the champions league matches"

0235 thursday: chelsea Vs liverpool. 0-0. sadly. so it's on to anfield for the second leg. was a little disappointed at the way chelsea was playing but it was a match that i don't regret getting up for. next week man! chelsea for the cup!

0815 thursday: running around the track in mindless circles. JiaYing was insistent that she felt rain. her claim continued until my 5th round, where the sky really did open and i was frankly too tired to sprint for cover. wet.

0840 thursday: debated with classmates about playing inter class floorball.

0845 thursday: 8 man team. Zav, JianYong, Lucas, Eldon, Sharon, JiaXun, Claire, me. scored a goal. hall really really big... too much space to run! 1-0. oh man, the team is pro... some people... they're just fantastic. team games can be fun.

0908 thursday: final match. 1-0. we win! Eldon scored the goal. nice ending to PE for the term. not looking forward to next week's official 2.4.

2022 thursday: American Idol. Constantine's out. WHAT THE... sad day.

friday was basically a sick sick day. sports day. hot hot hot. wanted to just go home! our junior class is not just enthusiatic... they're high. their energy for participation is probably enough for 20 generations of 53 peeps. SN sports day on the same day... Yellow won! yay. anyway, the good thing about this week is that it's a long long weekend week. beautiful.

nothing really smart to say, probably because i'm quite tired out from the week and not looking forward to completing my homework. never mind, guess i still have some time to relax. hope my piano teacher doesn't scold me too much today. oh well.. prayer powerhouse today... suddenly my brain's just not functioning right. see ya when it does.

your style of blogging is determined by your moods.

i am extremely unamused. sometimes i just wish i was the most perfect person anyone would ever come across.

does it make some sort of sense that you get annoyed and recognize other people's faults because you have them? oh well, if that's the case, i'm pretty much screwed ain't i. if i can be so into innuendos, how come sometimes i feel like a puritan? some people just like messing with my head. and you know how bad i feel every time i have to say no to someone asking for a favour. read what you wish into it. i'm done with feeling this messed up. sleep cures all. hugging my sister does to, because i'll be whacked into unconsciousness.

my sister and me, propagandistic machines for the government. from MM to SM to PM. there would be a heart before the words PAP. i think we might be alot more cynical come introduction into the working world and real adult hood.

to reply to Ben: yes, i think it's true that procastination is in some sense like you're destroying your life. i really agree with that!

to reply to Yu Xin: i talk about floorball because it's one of the few sports that i'm good at. and for the next lesson, we will win! heehee... plus Mr Seet is a nice nice person.

and i just realised that i have replied to my 2 history paper studying mates, albeit of different JCs. origins of the first and second world war anyone?? :) dang, so much reading to do. and i also found out that the second world war can't just be condensed into one word :hitler. it's more than that. it's a lot similar to the first world war than i thought. and really, do people want to know this?

just thinking how a blog can be so private and so public at the same time. just look at the case of the PSC scholar. just because he WAS a PSC scholar that everyone made such a big fuss about his comments. so i apologize to the whole wide world if I'VE made any seemingly racist comments (which would be strange cos i have friends of other races) and any vulgarities in the past that i've written in the heat of anger. (so does that mean i'm preparing myself for the slight possibility that one day i may be a PSC scholar? :P)

my cell came to my house today. and my mum commented that she thought my cell was really different from hers. she thought the role playing JoP asked us to do for his sermon next week was part of cell. (now i'm going to do something very irritating... here goes *giggles*) Alpha was acting as Jesus and Tim Han as the blind man asking to be healed. it was so funny the first time, with Tim just randomly feeling around. and when Tim could "see", he touched Alpha on the face and it just looked... "ahem". ok, haha, shouldn't laugh at friends and fellow cell mates. :) and Mark looked so indignant when JoP said that he couldn't role play as the bodyguard aka Jesus's disciples cos he wasn't bodyguard material. implying scrawniness.

didn't do anything today. went for an early morning jog with my sis. 1.6k on the park connector. if i ever decide to stop, with is such a great great temptation, i will definitely fail. so i will try my hardest not to stop even if i feel like i'm going to die. well, at least the good point of failing or getting a bronze is that i get more time to train, then i'll get a GOLD! the power of positive thinking. i wonder whether i've become one of those people who feel like it's very strange if they've not got their weekly dose of exercise. not guilt. just feel like it's something i've not done.

another weekend over. (almost) i shall return to my favourite pastime of sleeping. or was it watching tv. no nice show on tonight. champions league match Chelsea Vs Liverpool first leg 27 April. WATCH IT.

after browsing through singapore ink, this blog that deals with issues other than the person's everyday life from politics to issues that hit home, it's fantastic. and considering my blog is made up of mostly MY stuff, with occasional opinions about certain issues, it's far from being a blog patronized by those who wish to LEARN. well, not much that i will change because i simply like the style, whatever it may be, that i've cultivated. i doubt many will want to read my blog and then go away thinking... hmm... that's profound and mind numbing...

floorball again. 4-7. no matter how pro the peeps on my team are, we still lost. but nevermind, it was still fun. and getting quite violent. i scored a goal with a flick. never did that before, quite amazed when the ball actually flew. then after PE, sat at a table with Jia Xun and Jian Yong and believe it or not, engaged them in an intellectual debate that was somehow shattered at the end when i remarked after the debating about the pros and cons of the casino issue that TOPSHOP was having a sale. :) it was interesting to hear their differing views and interesting to have a conversation that made the brain think. yes, these people know their stuff.

feeling like i should get my studying going but you know how it is with the whole starting thing, the procastination thing and my many various excuses. even i'm surprised at how many excuses i can come up with. actually, it's just stoning until i declare that it's 10 and that means no more studying (not that i started, it's always homework) and i should watch TV. (and yes, Chelsea tied with Arsenal, grr) that's where the whole digging my own grave comes in. but at the end of the day, even though i don't do well sometimes, i think it's unfair to label me as "you failed so hence it must be because you were lazy and didn't study." i did. and not just for 1-2 hours. when i study intently, i'm serious about it.

i'm typing this and talking to my cousin, Simon, online. he's at OCS and the reason i write about this conversation is because i admire and respect him. i respect his will power, his mental endurance and his willingness to stretch and test his limits. i think after going through army, you'll just gain so much of life lessons that cannot be taught but experienced. and this is my heartfelt sentiments.

it's just like everything else that you go through. meeting Ms Goh, who's my teacher advisor, on monday. and i'm supposed to think about what i want to study and where and what i've learnt in VJ, my CCA, and my strengths and weaknesses. and this just allows me to think about defining moments in my life from the social aspect of it, to the character aspect of it and just this whole journey. meeting those who became my good friends, my Denmark trip, the Os, the PGA, just played such a pivotal role that i doubt i'll amount to much without them. such was the impact and the memories. i guess i've somehow made up my mind with the filling up of the scholarship info form handed in after the march hols.

and am wondering if there really is a difference between what i can achieve and what i want to achieve. an idealist would probably say there isn't. i'm still stuck between the two camps of being an idealist or a realist. guess everyone has those two conflicting emotions as well. a few days ago i was ready to throw in the towel in despair because of my econs and lit. i figured that history and maths, i was just lucky to pass and if there was a test, i'll probably fail it too. but i guess even what seems inevitable or likely isn't inevitable until it actually happens.

if you have time, go to VJ library. there's more than going there for doing homework and studying. the books they have there are great. i've been reading about the relations between the SEA nations, their role in the world, origins of the world wars, and i just borrowed a book that debates the issues concerning just or unjust wars. if you're not interested in history, there's always philosophy to fall back on. "what is death" "leadership skills" stuff that interests me at least. somehow when i read books that i can actally use in discussions i feel like i'm not slacking so much. which reminds me that i'm only halfway through beloved, my lit book.

reality tv. let's discuss the amazing race. people may think i'm weird but i like Rob and Amber. so they may be selfish and whatever critics have been saying but they KNOW how to play the game. i guess in a way i like them because i watched them on survivor and thought how good they were at strategy and how cute it was that they fell in love through such an unconventional method. if you can't see why i like them, then at least acknowledge the fact that they're a couple that deserve to be together. i haven't seen them shout at each other or snap or get angry at each other. and believe me, that's hard to accomplish because the amazing race certainly brings about the worse side of one's emotions. think previous season Jonathon and Victoria. think any other couple. so this is my opinion, no comments unless you watch the show and like them. i never said this blog was a democracy.

Clarence's black electric guitar is now MY guitar. He's given me a good deal. may or may not buy an amp soon. i'm writing so much because i know i'll not get another chance to do so as soon. have a whole stack of homework to do that you know i don't like to do last minute because that makes me feel so unprepared.

so i'll end off here and hope that yes, i've given you something to think about, though what exactly i'm not very sure.

for the past few days, i've been digging my own grave. i honestly have no idea what i'm doing with my life and the sole idea of living just seems to elude me.

sometimes i get the trace of meaning. the things like 2.35 wake up calls to pay tribute to the tv box and the blues in the form of Chelsea players. the panic attacks i get when suddenly i remember my PW results coming out on friday. the lack of endurance in running faster. that's when it hits me, that perhaps life seems to be made up of the little things that YOU find meaningful. okay, and maybe i'm just sprouting rubbish.

thursday. played floorball again. 3-4 in favour of the other team. i scored a goal (hooray!) and Lucas is like so super pro with his ball control and he shot 2 goals! he's super super good.

friday. PW results. school did extremely well. 1. hard work paid off. went to swenson's for JTS. nice food. nice company. good day.

and basically i spent the whole weekend doing stuff that had nothing to do with studying or preparing for As. was also hit with the realization that i'll be stopping my piano soon. end may i would guess. and also that sleep is good for the soul. been bumming around, either stoning or sleeping. i think i should be feeling guilty but i'm not too sure if that's really what i'm feeling right now. instead i'm thinking of what i'm going to be eating for dinner.

i haven't been to town to shop or walk walk for more than 3 weeks. the only time i've been there was a quick trip to PS for my grade 8 cd and the JTS, which did not involve shopping and walking around. want to go there soon at any rate but i'm quite pressed for time. days are filling up my friend. with stuff that perhaps i don't even want to consider.

liquid eyeliner dries fast. way fast. especially for my slow slow hand and unpracticed movements. hey, don't get the idea that i HAVE eyeliner. but the salesgirl was trying to talk me into buying stuff when all i need is gloss. (which thanks to Natalie i already have) so if you ever want to buy that stuff, go with the soft pencil that doesn't need sharpening.

nice nice music fest. yes, i shall bow to Quek for her great ability in succeeding to get tickets for music fest and giving one to me. chao fun the only thing that could have made it better was if i had the chance to stay out later and if i was in home clothes.

compared to last year, which i did not go for but heard of, the technical side of things was relatively smooth. there weren't any major major lags. Eunice Olsen was the guest of honour. i seemed to be seeing her everywhere, like for the youth workgroup press conference and the Ms Singapore thing, managed to catch her playing the piano and now i must admit she's good, quite pro for an almost on the spot performance. haha, Willy Lau is quite cute, he was one of the guest judges. the performers have standard la, like the vocals solo and the group one not too bad. mmhmm.. quite nice. the filler items also quite cool, especially the band of 3. their music has a slight christian influence when you pay attention to the lyrics.

everyone there looked like... so grown up. dressed to the nines or something. Hwee wore this really cool top, which she said was her mother's! i think it looks nice. Chermaine's skirt also very nice. i think aiyar, everyone looked so nice.

unfortunately, the week is almost at an end. econs test! gross, cos i don't understand how to do alot alot of questions in the TYS and even my tutorial looks so foreign. down with econs. i always seem to have the most problem with it when it comes to studying it. or maybe that applies to all my subjects as well. read in the papers that there's so many more applicants for local U this year. quite shocking the figure. each batch just gets smarter and smarter.

very tired. slept for like 3 hours after coming back from church. i think i should be more scared of the econs test cos if you fail, you have to go for remedial. i don't think i have time to go for any more remedial...

i think we're having thai food for dinner. so that means i have to get out of here. i'm too lazy to.

need to go shopping. no money. very very broke. i have a total of 8 bucks. yes! i think i'm supposed to blog about other stuff but i forgot it in my tiredness.

hmm... cow. waiting for my extremely delicious century egg porridge to cook which i can't savour and take a long time eating cos i gotta be outta the house in 15 min to go for piano lesson! i'm so gonna get a scolding because i didn't really practice my "the dying poet" piece. oh man, that piece is so funny, it starts out so cheerful and nice... and when you compare it to the title... joke man.

crap, mum told me i should go get ready. have nothing to wear. t-shirt and berms again. need to find a t-shirt that isn't crumpled. where's my berms?? my room is a war zone.

yesterday's music fest rocked. i will go into how much it rocked later. the only bad thing was that by the time i got home, i didn't have time to practice my piano or finish my lecture note reading on theory of income. don't have time today which means i'm so screwed. dun have time tomorrow as well. will update later.

FOOD!

shagged. today was just mentally and physically exhausting. started the day out with barely opened eyes courtesy of the Chelsea-Bayern Munich match before dawn. 4-2 in Chelsea's favour in case anyone didn't know. then had PE where i received the shocking news that i really couldn't dribble that well. come on, i already knew that. haha. match again. 2-1 in our favour. and yes, another goal by me. and no, i'm not bragging. urgh. tired out and sweaty.

lessons, so mentally exhausting. relaxed in the library after econs looking for stuff on decolonization to no avail. was spooked momentarily by a weirdo by the name of Daniel Poh who stood at the stacks opposite me and eerily said my name while hiding his face. imagine someone doing that to you when you're bending down in the almost silent library looking for a book and suddenly this figure just pops outta nowhere, seemingly faceless. sounds like a bad horror movie. nonetheless, borrowed 2 fascinating history books that will thrill me for a while. okay, so they're not really that fascinating. interesting. had GP, and a wee bit of history tutorial and then math. went for history S where we had a stimulating intellectual debate proudly brought to you by Benjamin. the word to use is interesting. student and teacher input.

went home and swam. got back after 30 laps and with the sounds of thunder echoing in the distance. i still weigh the same heavy weight. dang. freaking worried about the NAPFA because of the 2.4 and my pullups and my standing broad. urgh. i go through this torture every year. what's new. must pass this year! with a silver cos that's the passing. wtf. got a bronze last year. my stupid back muscles always give me problems.

realised that some dreams are so hard to reach they bounder on the impossible.
realised that sometimes i should be more thankful with what i have, constantly reminding myself to see that cliche silver lining in the dark clouds. somehow that came out sounding more pessimistic than optimistic.

you know sometimes i just need someone to be there for me, just silently giving me the comfort i need. and once in a while, my sister's there... though not always silent since she likes mumbling the lyrics of songs in her zen to herself amidst sounds of heavy breathing to annoy me. guess i'm lucky in ways i never really imagined.

amidst all those small little things that if you never really think about, you forget after a while. it's good to remember ya.

worried about my As. yeah, still early i know. but right now i really can't see the As. or Bs. or even Cs. sometimes i'm not sure if i really believe the whole late bloomers theory or that of hardwork that triumpts over all. i know it's unneccessary to start worrying now but then again, it's nothing new with me.

i'm hardworking when it comes to handing up work but i drag my feet when it comes to revising and studying. why do you think i'm online right now when i initially planned to start my econs revision? easier said than done to cure my procastination and laziness.

ideally and realistically... the situation varies so much with what i hope to achieve. i just really hate disappointing people. gives you such a sinking feeling of guilt. ick. but still trying my best... i'm not sure i want a wake up call that soon telling me i'm basically screwed.

super long day tmr. i don't see why i have to have such long days. i guess this is more than enough procastinating. i shall go and read hmm... i think there's like 30 odd pages, let's say i have 7 days. so if i have 35 pages, i should do 7 per day and that'll give me 2 days to revise. hmm.. i'll end up reading the first 2 pages on classical theory only. i know myself. i shall go get chocolate. see, i'm doing it again.

successfully completed measure for measure essay to the best of my abilities. and yes, thanks to YY again, my spelling is getting better. CLAVINOVA! :P

did some networking yesterday at the press conference. met some really really great people there and i really have to say that it's true that opportunities are always out there, it's up to you to grab that chance. and another thing... it's true, ain't it, that we've not NATO (no action, talk only) the difference between people who make a difference is that they go out and do something to change a situation. and that's what our workgroup is going to be. we're going to go out there and continue with our plans by putting them into action. watch out for more information in tmr's straits times!

:P had to rush from place to place like the normal busy saturday schedules that i have. piano teacher kept me for almost 3 hours. apparently, not that i didn't know, my sight reading skills are well... to put it nicely, pathetic. sad. and my chords and aural tests are well... screwed. and my scales... the staccatos aren't staccato-like. or whatever you call it. i think i need to practice more. obviously.

urm... let's see, what else. nothing much. cept school's starting again and whoops, i think i better go and do my econs essay outline! dang. almost forgot. no way am i going to make her walk out again. see ya

the problem won't go away on its own but heavy metal music and the gym help make it better. guess it really was self imposed. don't feel so guilty now.

bought the grade 8 cd today. expensive! have to listen to it later and then practice piano. still haven't managed to master the running notes... complicated to explain, even more complicated to play. and i really really want a Clarinova! it's so prettyyyyyy... and it's like 2 k only! lots of stuff to do. grr... have to meet at 9 at library @ orchard to prep for press conference with youth connect. it was super funny, they were sending emails about it and Darrell, the co-chair was telling the presenter, Shiao Yin, that no pressure, it's just presenting to the media and a few important people. and then he went, oh, did i mention the WHOLE media? haha. and they were going on about the meeting time and how it was a lawyer thing since some of them are lawyers and lawyers like to meet at 9 or something.

thursday had another floorball lesson. 5-2. i scored 2! Mr Seet is super pro... especially when he's dribbling and surronded by people, he can still keep possession of the ball. fancy footwork. Marianne and Fariza are fantastic... and the guys were like... woah. like everyone was good. and scary. haha. PE lessons with floorball quite fun. Mr Seet played on the same team as me and he went around assigning positions. Felt quite happy that he made me a striker. somehow it kinda made me feel not so useless like my primary and secondary school PE lessons where i guess the team, and the teachers felt that i couldn't run or i hated games and stuff or i was crap at it that they always made me defender. an important position to be sure but it always signalled to me the fact that they thought i wasn't particularly good. yeah, but i felt quite happy by it. i would say that 04a53 has great teamwork. :)